It's 5 in the morning. What the heck am I doing up?
I don't know, exactly. I do know that I'm not tired. I also know that I don't feel like sleeping. This is actually my favourite part of the day - the house is asleep, the lights are off. It's just me and the little lamp on my bedtable. Music is playing softly, and I am alone with my thoughts. It's a peaceful time.
I wonder, does the amount that I blog depend on how lonely I am feeling? The last few posts, many months apart, seem to say yes. But now I'm in a really different space. I've been in Ottawa almost a year, and I'm about to head back to Vancouver. In aproximately two and a half weeks I will be starting a new life yet again. Maybe I'll start blogging more.
The truth is that I'm scared. There, I said it. I try not to think about it. I'm not normally one to bury my emotions, but this time is different. Worrying will accomplish nothing, it only wastes time. I might as well deal with situations as they arise, right? Nothing has arisen. Not yet. But I'm still scared. Not of a particular person or thing, but of more pain. Here in Ottawa I'm far away, I'm safe. I'm awake, alone in my room, but there are people nearby. I've finally come to a place where I'm feeling happy and confident and beautiful again. But I know that the heart is a delicate thing. I've hurt so badly that I'm scared of what my new life might bring. I'm scared that the newly formed scars on my heart will break open, and that I won't be able to handle it.
I've been thinking about the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" quite a bit lately. The singer is dreaming about a place where everything is good. The clouds are far behind, and the troubles melt like lemon drops. How I wish - almost desperately - that this was me.
I remember praying to God a while ago to grant me wisdom. I wanted (and still want) to become a wise woman of God. It didn't occur to me to think about how wisdom is developed. For those of us that aren't Solomon, wisdom is gained through pain, misery, and tough times if we will allow it to develop. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have asked for it? I don't really know. People say that it'll be worth it, that I'll learn a lot and that I'll be a stronger person as a result. While that's true, it seems to imply a "it'll all be worth it in the end" sentiment. Like we can just brush off everything I've been through because good things have come. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit that I DON'T think it has been worth it. Nothing has been worth it. I'd rather have never met him than to have gone through the breakup. I would sacrifice all the good times, all the dreams, all the lessons I've learned and the courage I've found. It just hasn't been worth it. The pain has been too great, and the fruit too small (which is saying something).
Yet such is the nature of love. It is a risk, there are no guarentees. Was I wrong to give my heart to him? No. Was I a fool to trust him? I don't believe so. I have loved deeper than I knew was possible, and I don't think that was a mistake. I do believe that we are not called to live a safe, cushy life, and that fear limits us. "Live life to the fullest" and all that. But that doesn't mean that you won't end up in the negatives sometimes. It also doesn't mean that every negative experience will be worthwhile in the end. All it means is that in order to live a fulfilling life, you have to take risks sometimes. Sometimes it pans out, and sometimes it doesn't.
It's a popular idea to "live with no regrets". I don't think regrets are a bad thing, as long as you're not consumed by them. I have a few things that I wish I had never done, and that doesn't diminish the lessons that I've learned from then. It just means that, in hindsight, I know better now, and I wish I could have learned that lesson in some other way. That can, however, be balanced with a healthy approach to living. If you can't change the past, dwelling on regrets is a useless waste of energy. But to remember them and aknowledge them as mistakes, to take what you can from them while still wishing it didn't have to happen that way - I can't see that there's anything wrong with that.
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A Day of Movies
Today I watched movies. That's it, just movies. Including Ever After, twice.
You'd think that it would have made me feel worse. But, as stupid as this is going to sound, it reminded me of how much a man SHOULD love a woman. They were in the right place at the right time, fell in love, and in the end that was all that mattered...that they loved each other.
I can't help but think our breakup had a lot to do with the rocky relationship that his parents had. He saw some potential problems in our relationship and balked, scared that we would become his parents. And let's face it, maybe he's not strong enough to step out of his mold and be the man he needs to be in order to be my husband. To be honest with me not because it's easy, but because we need it to survive.
But in the end, I will find someone who cares so much about me he will fight to overcome obstacles. He will cherish me and protect me, and will be my match in every way. He will love me both as a woman and as a Christian. We will walk together in God, who will provide us with the fulfillment in relationship that only He can bring.
That is what I want and deserve. I won't settle for anything less.
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Dreaming with a Broken Heart
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest partAnd once again I find myself in the same spot: listening to John Mayer, writing in my journal, mending a broken heart.
He has got it spot on with this song. I find the mornings the most difficult part of my day. It's when I wake up and have to remind myself that this is my life, that this is happening to me. Every morning I have to remember, and then re-accept what has happened to me. Trevor is gone and not coming back.
The rest of the day carries on ok (some days are more ok than others) until the evening. I think about him around the time that he would be getting off work, and half expect him to come over and talk about his day. It's then that I miss him most.
It just feels so wrong without him. He was my best friend, and I miss him.
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It's been almost two weeks since the breakup, and I think that I'm doing well under the circumstances.
Trevor is staying at his friends house for a few days to give my mom and I some space (mom is coming here today from Ottawa). I am surprised what a difference knowing that he's not upstairs makes. It's quite comforting, actually. I think some time in Ottawa will do wonders for me.
This is still a very surreal experience. When I wake up in the morning I have to remind myself that this is my life, that this isn't some horrible nightmare. But I still haven't grasped the enormity of the life change that will follow this breakup. Yesterday when I accidently ran into him in the driveway I was confronted with that.
I asked him to come over, though I don't know why. I looked at him and didn't have anything to say. My eyes were filling with tears - I was in such pain. He sort of half hugged me as I cried, and he kind of patted me on the back like you do when you're uncomfortable being close to the person in your arms. There was no emotion in his face. I asked him why he was so far away, and he said it was because we had broken up. After a few minutes he went inside, leaving me standing there.
It was horrible. The Trevor I know is gone, or at least closed off to me. I don't know this Trevor. I don't want to know him like this. He's like a shadow of the person that he used to be. It's like switching from wine to grape juice.
The annoying thing is that he's right. We're broken up, and that means that he can no longer be an emotional support to me. In some sense, it's probably easier this way. Though all I really wanted was reassurance from him that this would be ok, that this is the right thing, and that this is the best choice. He did deliver some amount of that, but he had closed himself off to me.
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to walk away from another in obvious pain. I certainly can't, and I hope I never will be able to.
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Where is my happy ending?
Still on its way, I suppose.
Or, perhaps in the same place it always has been. Covered by grace, in the arms of my Lord.
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How is the sun still shining? How are people still walking around, going about their daily business? How on earth can people be happy?
Don't they know that the world has ended?
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This Road - Jars of Clay
All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth
Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peave and grace from You, all the day through.
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